I’ve been thinking a lot about touch.
When I was in undergrad I really craved touch, but had no way to get it. Touch was either something that was fleeting and affectionate, or something that led to sexuality. To desire nonsexual touch in a relationship was either creepy (if the relationship wasn’t sexual) or inadequete (if it was.) I saw my desire for touch as toxic, something that could poison my connections with the people that I cared about, and so I kept it far removed. It waited there, unfulfilled and unconnected from any one person, while my brain raced trying to figure out when initiating touch was ok.
Eventually I did figure that out. In my experience touch helps relationships when it expresses and reinforces emotion, it should occur after some activity (a conversation, a particularely powerul dance party) that generates emotion that needs to be expressed. But that’s not my piont.
A few months ago, I was hanging out with an Ace on a college campus who was exactly where I used to be. I asked him how it felt, and he said that he just couldn’t envision finding a relationship where he could have the kind of touch he wanted. He had that same look of humble sadness and fear that I used to have.
My point is that, as the Ace community, we should really get on this.
I started doing an exercise during my talks where I ask people to come up with as many words as they can for distinct forms of cuddling. I get about three: spooning, hugging, and nuzzling. I ask them to compare that to the number of words that they know for different types of sex.
Three words. There are a few more if you really dig for them, but not many. Without more words, how are we supposed to talk about the kind of touch we want? How are we supposed to know what kind of touch is POSSIBLE for us to want? How are we supposed to have meaningful discussions about consent? (Part of why I felt unsafe expressing a desire for touch was that I couldn’t ask people where their barriers were.) How are we supposed to name the kinds of relationships that involve the kind of touch that we want.
Sexual people have lovers, one night stands, fuckbuddies, partners, and books and books filled with positions and tactics that they can’t seem to get enough of. We have, in a few short years, done a fantastic job building an open-source taxonomy to describe the kinds of emotional intimacy that we form. We have biromantics, squishes, squashes, intimate communities, asexiness and ever-present cake. It’s time we spent a little more time talking about touch.
I’m looking at you, Tumblr.
When I was in undergrad I really craved touch, but had no way to get it. Touch was either something that was fleeting and affectionate, or something that led to sexuality. To desire nonsexual touch in a relationship was either creepy (if the relationship wasn’t sexual) or inadequete (if it was.) I saw my desire for touch as toxic, something that could poison my connections with the people that I cared about, and so I kept it far removed. It waited there, unfulfilled and unconnected from any one person, while my brain raced trying to figure out when initiating touch was ok.
Eventually I did figure that out. In my experience touch helps relationships when it expresses and reinforces emotion, it should occur after some activity (a conversation, a particularely powerul dance party) that generates emotion that needs to be expressed. But that’s not my piont.
A few months ago, I was hanging out with an Ace on a college campus who was exactly where I used to be. I asked him how it felt, and he said that he just couldn’t envision finding a relationship where he could have the kind of touch he wanted. He had that same look of humble sadness and fear that I used to have.
My point is that, as the Ace community, we should really get on this.
I started doing an exercise during my talks where I ask people to come up with as many words as they can for distinct forms of cuddling. I get about three: spooning, hugging, and nuzzling. I ask them to compare that to the number of words that they know for different types of sex.
Three words. There are a few more if you really dig for them, but not many. Without more words, how are we supposed to talk about the kind of touch we want? How are we supposed to know what kind of touch is POSSIBLE for us to want? How are we supposed to have meaningful discussions about consent? (Part of why I felt unsafe expressing a desire for touch was that I couldn’t ask people where their barriers were.) How are we supposed to name the kinds of relationships that involve the kind of touch that we want.
Sexual people have lovers, one night stands, fuckbuddies, partners, and books and books filled with positions and tactics that they can’t seem to get enough of. We have, in a few short years, done a fantastic job building an open-source taxonomy to describe the kinds of emotional intimacy that we form. We have biromantics, squishes, squashes, intimate communities, asexiness and ever-present cake. It’s time we spent a little more time talking about touch.
I’m looking at you, Tumblr.
<3
ReplyDeleteWow this is so true. I feel like I can never touch people because it would be inappropriate or weird. There are 8000 ways to talk about sex but for those who struggle with touch, we have nothing.
ReplyDeleteThis came in a really good time for me. I've been thinking about similar things for a long while now, and it's become specifically relevant in the past several months.
ReplyDeleteThanks, David (:
I'm not so sure we lack ways of talking about touch: what we lack are quick keywords that are so prevalent outside of the asexual community.
ReplyDelete~Carsonspire
it's so good to here there are others who are "touch-frustrated". i just want to hold someone sometimes, but, no, i can't it's creepy.
ReplyDeletei wish i could get a snuggle buddy. quick, nsa cuddling.
i'm dth.
I agree. It feels like we live in a world of all or nothing.
ReplyDeleteMy friends know I dislike touching, hugging ect' and they respect that (some with more diffculty than others). but then sometimes there is a want to touch, sometimes one just needs to hold or be held, and it gets impossible to ask for it...
This actually brought me close to tears it rang so true. That feeling of being touch-deprived but unable to reach out.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for writing this.
I'm a big fan of flumping - which I think of as two people on a sofa. I guess that could also be described as snuggling.
ReplyDeleteBut yeah, I think a way of (safely) instigating touch is key - I spent many years maintaining a network of people I could hug to get around the need for touch.
Hi! Great blog, thanks. I'd like to reach out to the Ace community for your advise. I'm a gay sexual male and my best friend - let's call him John - is asexual: he's never had a girlfriend, has no interest in dating, and he just likes to his own thing. I think he's a great person, and I think the world of him. We're great friends and spend a lot of time together. We've even vacationed together, slept on the same bed (no sex, but that's OK) and often have long, meaningful conversations about our lives and family relationships. We shake hands whenever we meet. We've hugged a few times, and he never flinches when I touch his back or shoulder when we're talking or walking together - except for the one time that I offered him reflexology (he's a long-distance runner). After 2 years of knowing John, I admit that I am deeply in love with him. I've already told him twice that I love him and he's never tried to avoid me in spite of that. However, I also wish I could express this love with him sexually but I am afraid that doing so would damage our friendship. I'm ready to not have sex with him if that's just the way it should be. Yet I am yearning to tell him how I feel in all honesty, but I'm afraid of losing him. Should I just hide these sexual feelings from him and let our friendship be the way it is? Or should I tell him how I feel, and take what I get? Any thoughtful advise would help. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteHere are a bunch of hugging types: http://www.lifescript.com/life/relationships/also-in-relationships/a_guide_to_hugging.aspx?gclid=CNGDgYW6sbICFSdvTAod1BwASw&trans=1&du=1&ef_id=UFE9fwAAG8qgi0mY%3a20120913015719%3as
ReplyDeleteNobody asked, and perhaps I should leave it alone, but here is an article about the kinds of kissing: http://www.dwmagazine.com/dating-a-sex/726-how-many-kinds-of-kisses-arethere.html
ReplyDeleteDear David,
ReplyDeleteThis article really touched me and reminded me that others feel the way I do. I am gray-a and presently in a relationship where we have come up with our own terms for the kinds of cuddling we like to do. We often talk about textures for example. We have also used the our own term sensexual cuddles for cuddles that are largely sensual but I'm okay if some of it is sexual for either of us. I think that as a community we can work on finding our own terms and find ways to spread them by spreading the idea that touch serves so many more purposes than the sexual. Affection is so much more than that.
Thank you so much for your efforts in promoting Ace visibility.
Yes, the fact that our society insists that the only appropriate touching is sexual is extremely damaging, and I have felt everything you describe in your first paragraphs...won't go into too much detail, but I did, finally, find my own solution, imperfect though it may be. I limit my pursuit of emotional intimacy to fleeting, anonymous interactions with people on the internet. As for touch, I'm a massage-therapist, and I love it. I can touch or be touched whenever I want, because people ALWAYS want to touch their masseuse, lol. I love that it proscribes touch down to a one-hour transaction with clearly defined boundaries which eliminate the emotional confusion that normally accompanies it. Maybe I'll change my post-name to PleaseStopGropingMe,ItsMyJobToDoTheGroping...
ReplyDeleteAnyway... hope your getting some good hugs today...